Reflecting back...

Less than two years ago, I was questioning just about everything and everything about faith and life. I wasn't sure if there was a God and I wasn't even sure I cared if He existed. I was trying so hard to do the right things, but somehow it wasn't working and God seemed to be making things worse. I begged and pleaded with God to bring healing and redemption within several close relationships. He didn't. I prayed that He would lift my depression. He didn't. I prayed that He would make everything clear to me. He didn't. In all of it, I was only left in a bigger cloud of confusion. I felt defeated and alone.

I knew all the "Christian" answers, but none of them seemed to work for me. I was raised in the church. The pious platitudes drove me nuts. I had desperately tried "trusting God". It didn't make me feel any better. It didn't take the pain away. It didn't fix my problems. It just didn't work.

During this time, I really struggled with a lot of questions about God. Are You even there? Why can't I see You? Why don't You care about me? Why does it have to be so hard?

There was no big breakthrough. Nothing changed over night. But gradually I tried trusting again. Life seemed meaningless without God. And in my pain and grief, I came to realize that this life just ain't worth living if there is no purpose in any of it. Maybe, just, maybe there was something to this God thing.

It was over the course of several months that I discovered the significant and vital difference between Christianity and other religions. All the other religions are based on works. They say that in order to succeed, one needs to try hard to measure up. I was trying with everything inside of me and I still wasn't good enough. It just wasn't working. I had no joy, no peace. However, Jesus offered a different way. His solution is grace. He came to die on the cross for my sins. He conquered death when He rose from the dead. I didn't need to do anything or be anything to earn His love. It was simply available and waiting for me.

As I journeyed deeper into this whole grace thing, I realized began to gain a deeper understanding about what it all meant. He has saved me and set me free. I am free! Free from guilt, free from shame, free from trying so hard to measure up. I am free from death, free to truly live. His grace sets us free. I have a purpose and life is full of meaning. He knows what's best for me and even the most painful of circumstances, He has used to draw me closer to Him and shape me into the person He wants me to be. There is a God and He is good.